****THE NEVERENDING THREAD OF DEATH****[views:703367][posts:1373]_________________________________ [Sep 22,2004 11:58pm - Assuck ""] hey all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:00am - Assuck ""] im tearin sit up |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:05am - Assuck ""] the mother gave it a rub and The husband sat there for a minute as a glass of coke came streaming out of it. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:08am - Assuck ""] President Bush must always remember that all human beings begin life as a feces of God because a A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:08am - Assuck ""] Butterflies taste with their feet |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:08am - Assuck ""] In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:09am - Assuck ""] On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:09am - Assuck ""] Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:09am - Abbath ""] so.... if someone could control the weather THEN THEY WOULD RULE THE WORLD! |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:09am - Assuck ""] Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:10am - Assuck ""] Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:10am - Assuck ""] Women blink nearly twice as much as men. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:10am - Assuck ""] A snail can sleep for three years. No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH". |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:10am - Assuck ""] verage life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:11am - Assuck ""] All polar bears are left handed. In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:11am - Assuck ""] i figure if i do that every night well get 100 no problem |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:13am - Assuck ""] 1,000* |
| ____________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 1:15am - MyDeadDoll ""] [img] |
| ____________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 1:16am - MyDeadDoll ""] [img] |
| ____________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 1:18am - MyDeadDoll ""] [img] |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:31pm - Assuck ""] that fist looks like the italian bread before we cook it at my work |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:41pm - Assuck ""] Dave walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Dave with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Dave, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Dave. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" (Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face" |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:43pm - Assuck ""] News flashes just in for the year 2029: Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:43pm - Assuck ""] White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:44pm - Assuck ""] Baby conceived naturally... Scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:44pm - Assuck ""] Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon). |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:44pm - Assuck ""] iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:45pm - Assuck ""] France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:45pm - Assuck ""] Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:45pm - Assuck ""] Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:45pm - Assuck ""] 85 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lb.. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:46pm - Assuck ""] Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:46pm - Assuck ""] Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:46pm - Assuck ""] New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:46pm - Assuck ""] Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:46pm - Assuck ""] IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%. Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting Machine |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:48pm - Assuck ""] "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." (Barbara Bush Former US First Lady) |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:48pm - Assuck ""] "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." (Robin Williams) |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:48pm - Assuck ""] "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." (Rod Stewart) |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:49pm - Assuck ""] "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're eager to meet people who do." (Henry Kissinger) |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:49pm - Assuck ""] "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee, the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." (Dan Rather)-(News anchorman) |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:49pm - Assuck ""] "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." (Tiger Woods) |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:51pm - Assuck ""] Q. What do you call an abortion in Czechoslovakia? |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:51pm - Assuck ""] A. A cancelled czech |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:52pm - Assuck ""] A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29," the woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you." While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are." They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under he blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she says,"Okay, okay,...how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?" "Yes, I promise," she says. He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's." |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:53pm - Assuck ""] Q: What is red and pink and can't turn round in a corridor? A: A baby with a javelin through its throat. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:53pm - Assuck ""] Q: What's blue and sits in the corner? A: A baby in a baggie |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:54pm - Assuck ""] Q: What's purple, covered in pus and squeals? A: A peeled baby in a bag of salt. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:54pm - Assuck ""] Q: What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller? A: A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler! |
| _________________________________ [Sep 23,2004 12:54pm - Assuck ""] Q: What's pink and red and silver and crawls into walls? A: A baby with forks in its eyes |